Ways to Resolve Anger - How to Manage it
Anger is an action, a behaviour, which originates from experiences that create intense emotions, and expressing it effectively can be a huge challenge.
We may feel we want to explode like a volcano, but that only escalates a fight, puts people down and achieves nothing positive except venting and alienating people.
There are healthier ways of expressing anger than have been taught. Anger is a normal part of being human, but how we express our anger effectively is a skill that needs to be learned. If we just continue to repress anger rather than deal with it, anger builds up and up, and is often later misdirected and expressed in ways that can be dangerous to ourselves and others.
Anger is a symptom of either underlying hurt, fear, or frustration at a need not being met. Someone may have said something extremely hurtful to us, we may really be afraid of something but feel too vulnerable to express this fear, so we might express it as anger.
Our needs or wants may not be being adequately met, or our rights and boundaries may be being violated. We may repeat the same old fights as this can protect us from the anxiety of making an unfamiliar change to our method of communication, which is outside our comfort zone. Just venting our anger and exploding does nothing to solve the problem that anger signals.
It is clear that we need to develop a calmer sense of communication, and translate our anger into clear non-blaming statements about our own feelings. Learning to manage anger involves learning to communicate assertively, not aggressively, as this goes along way to diffusing anger and fighting.
Getting in touch with what makes you angry – the volcano exercise
Draw a simple cone shaped volcano to represent stress and anger. On the drawing, write on the sides of the volcano the things that stress you. Start with minor stresses at the bottom of the volcano, and as you move up the volcano, write the things that really stress you out and make you angry.
Finally, draw the volcano erupting, with the lava coming out representing what you do and what happens when you get angry, eg do you explode, become verbally abusive, cry etc. This exercise is very effective in getting you to think about and identify triggers for stress and anger in your life.
Once you have identified your triggers, and have become aware of your signs and symptoms of suppressed anger, you are in a much better place to be able to learn how to effectively manage them.
Some guidelines for learning to deal with anger
1. Learn to express angry feelings assertively rather than aggressively.
It is possible to convey your anger or frustration towards another person in a way that respects their dignity, and doesn’t blame them or put them down. Use “I statements” about how you feel, rather than blaming the other person for how you feel. A useful formula for communicating assertively and effectively is:
I FEEL…….WHEN I…….. AND I WOULD LIKE……
For example, instead of saying “You make me so mad when you leave mess lying around the house”, use an “I statement” such as:
“I FEEL angry and unappreciated WHEN I find mess in the house, AND I WOULD LIKE some help from you in keeping the place clean so we both can enjoy a tidy house.”
“I Statements” maintain respect for the other person while “you statements” put the other person down, make them defensive and blame them for your own feelings. “I statements” are very effective in diffusing anger.
2. Take a time out
If when you confront the person assertively with “I statements” but they become aggressive or defensive and the situation escalates, count to ten and suggest a time out to cool off, and talk about things later.
Be sure to set a time when you will return to work through things calmly...
"I will be back in 40 minutes, after I have calmed myself, to talk some more."
3. Choose what course of action
Choose what course of action to take depending on the intensity of your anger. If your anger is very intense, you are probably not ready to talk to someone yet. Instead you need a physical mode of expression such as pounding pillows with your fists, screaming into a pillow, screaming in the car with all the windows wound up, or engaging in a vigorous physical workout.
After the anger has lessened, it is best to first share it with a neutral friend before first confronting the person with whom you’re angry. When you’re calmer, you are less likely to become defensive and escalate a fight.
4. Work on overcoming fears
Work on overcoming fears about alienating people you care about when you allow anger to show.
Being able to appropriately and assertively communicate your angry feelings to significant others without becoming attacking, is in fact an indication that you do care about them. If you didn’t care, you would be more likely to withdraw from them and withhold your true feelings.
While over expression of anger can be destructive to others and yourself, not communicating angry feelings to someone you love may convey indifference as if you don’t care about the health of the relationship and having open communication.
5. Work out what is underlying
Work out if there is underlying hurt, fear, or frustration of a need not being met.
Sit and get in touch with the real reason you feel angry. If you are hurt, express this hurt to the person causing it.
If you are afraid, express you are afraid. If you are frustrated that a need is not being met, work out what this need is, and assertively express it and ask for what you want.
6. Pick a convenient time and place to express your feelings.
Make sure that the other person is available and willing to listen to your feelings. Check with them “Is this a good time for you to talk?”. Otherwise the frustration and anger may build if you feel you are not being listened to.
Reference: Bourne, Edmund (2005). The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook”. New Harbinger Publications, USA
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