Dealing with Grief and Loss

Deal with Grief and Loss

Each and every one of us changes in some way after the death of someone we love, or the breakup of a significant relationship in our lives.

Things will never be the same as they were, as we lose part of ourselves when someone close to us dies. We probably never really fully get over the death of someone so close to us, but in time, all we can do is learn to live with it.

Some of us may harden after the experience; some will soften, but those who choose to learn and grow from this tragic time will go on with their life remembering what was and appreciating the lessons learned, and what is now. Learning about grief is helpful to the grieving process.

Losing someone you love can be like losing one half of yourself. The pain and emptiness felt during the grieving process can go on for months or years, however no two people will ever respond to the same situation in the same way. Working through grief is a day by day, week by week process.

You may have bad days when you think you will never recover from this or function successfully without this person in your life. The good new is that you can recover in time, and be fully functional, if you choose to. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

The impact of grief can cause tremendous chaos to all aspects of our life. We all respond differently to grief, but the most important thing to remember is that most reactions are normal. Sometimes we find these responses overwhelming but knowing they are normal helps us to come to terms with changes.

As complicated as it may sound, grief is a process which can be worked through. The grieving process is very individual, but there have been several stages that we go through when we experience an important loss. There are five main stages (identified by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross) that we may go through when dealing with a major loss.

Not every stage is common to everyone who grieves, and the stages may or may not be linear, or one stage may come back again just when we thought we had worked through it. There are no hard and fast rules of how we should grieve, but the following discussion gives some useful insights.

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Stages of Grief

Shock and Denial:

Immediately after the death of the loved one, we may experience shock or denial. This is especially noticeable if the death is sudden or unexpected and was not foreseen. But it is just as devastating when someone has had a long chronic illness. It is particularly tragic if we never got the chance to say goodbye, or how much we loved them.

Wanting to push away the reality of the loss and believe only what one chooses to accept is a perfectly normal reaction, except if the denial extends beyond a feasible time. We may crave to see the person walk in the door again, to hear their voice, and to be with them. Shock and denial protect the psyche while it comes to terms with the fact that the person will not be coming back.

Anger:

When the full impact of the loss hits home, we may feel anger – angry that the person is not going to return, angry for the deceased person for deserting the partner and family, or abandoning them.

This anger may be displaced onto others including people who offer support, doctors, hospital staff and even God. At this time there is a great need to speak about these feelings.

A trusted friend whom you can really feel safe in expressing your shock, denial and anger, can always be a good place to turn. Therapy may also be needed for support during this very difficult time.

Bargaining:

We often go through a stage of bargaining with God or a higher being, unconsciously or consciously saying that “if you take this pain away, I promise I will try to get my act together”.

Depression:

Eventually the full impact of the loss will catch up with us. Whether it is a gradual or a sudden realization, we will see that things can’t be changed or undone. We will have to come to terms with the facts, and those facts can be cause of extreme sadness and depression. Depression should be carefully monitored addressed by professionals if you need it. Medication may be required to help one get through the worst times.

Acceptance:

The final stage of the grief process is acceptance. Gradually in time we learn to live with grief, and the time this takes varies enormously from one person to another. Some of us move through the stages over several months, while for most of us it can be years.

It depends on the quality of the relationship you once had, what that person meant to you, and your personality and temperament with which we were born. Highly sensitive individuals and those already experiencing depression find the going tougher than hardy individuals who do not suffer with depression. Everyone grieves in their own way, and there is no one way to do it.

We are all individuals with different sensitivities and coping styles. Although life will never be the same, we begin slowly to take an interest in life again, to enjoy the thing we once enjoyed before the loss, or even a time of renewal where a new hobby, activity or interest is participated in.

Gradually in time we can begin to enjoy what life has to offer again. True acceptance comes when function has returned and having acknowledged the loss in its entirety. This is achieved when one is able to look back on yesterdays with a loved one, but are able to enjoy today and look forward to tomorrow.

Whether the loss of a loved one was sudden or expected, the grief associated with the loss hurts deeply. Sometimes individuals go through unnecessary pain by wishing for things like a better relationship or more time with the deceased, wishing they could have said goodbye, or having the opportunity to say things they didn’t say when they were with the person.

This is particularly common where sudden and unexpected death occurs. It may be particularly useful to write a letter to the deceased person, telling them all the things you wish you could have said to them when they were alive. This can often give feelings of peace and closure, and can help you move through the grief process.

And finally, cry as much as you need to and for as long as you need to. This can be enormously beneficial in releasing all of the pent up emotions in side, releasing endorphins into your brain and body causing you to feel calmer. Don’t be afraid to cry in front of close trusted friends either – let them help you and nurture you.

Strategies for coping with Grief and Loss

Being careful:

You may be experiencing some physical reactions as a result of the loss such as sleep problems, losing weight or lack of concentration. It may be beneficial to visit your GP if these problems persist.

Attending emotions:

Don’t hold your emotions inside. It is ok and perfectly normal to cry. If the grief does not come naturally, look at photo albums and listen to the deceased’s favourite songs. This may help you get in touch with your grief and deep feelings of loss. Also enjoy laughter when it comes and don’t feel guilt about it. Being with enjoyable people are important things too when you are finally up to it. You are not betraying the deceased by enjoying your life – they would want that for you.

Dodging Loneliness:

It is important to be with positive people and seek the support of a counsellor if required. Joining support groups with others who are experiencing similar losses may be an ideal strategy to avoid being lonely.

Holding back on decisions:

Allow yourself to adjust to the loss before making any major changes in your life such as moving house, remarrying, changing jobs or having another child. It is crucial to allow time to adjust to a loss before moving forward to other important things in life.

Being Patient:

It can take months or even years to deal with the loss of a loved one and accept the changes this has caused in your life. Take your time and nurture yourself through it without making any rash decisions.

Writing a journal:

Many people find writing their feelings down in a journal a therapeutic and healing tool when grieving, providing a feeling of catharsis to help one move forward.

Moving Forward

There are no shortcuts to working through grief. It is a difficult process which is highly personal. We need to work through our grief in our own time. We need to deal with loss of a loved one in healthy and non destructive ways. Grief can be a very lonely journey if traveling it alone, so support from friends family and health professionals can be invaluable.

A persons life may never be the same again now that the loved one is gone, as part of the self is lost, but one can be an infinitely better person for having know that person and richer for having been loved by him or her. Remember, grief takes time to work through, and is a tumultuous process.

There will be days when you take a step forward, and days when you take two steps back. But know that in time, you will be taking more steps forward than backwards, and incorporating the changes into your life so that you can start living again.

Most of all nurture yourself through the process and don’t beat yourself up by thinking you should be over it by now. It takes a lot of time, so give yourself permission to feel your emotions and know that they are perfectly normal.

Reference: Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors newsletter 2007

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